I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

At the core of all well-founded belief lies belief that is unfounded.

Not anyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere.

The great thing about irony is that it splits things apart, gets up above them so we can see the flaws and hypocrisies and duplicates.

The potential for synthetic biology and biotechnology is vast we all have an opportunity to create the future together.

I think, for me, when I direct my own work it's just an extension of the authorship.

Harriet van Horne He makes love to me expertly, mechanically, coldly... He's pressing all my buttons, as if I were a pocket calculator.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

WKRP [showed] something happening between people-there was something underneath about people trying to help each other out.

The new critique you're gonna start hearing about James Franco, is 'He's spreading himself too thin.'

No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.