I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

When privacy is criminalized, only criminals will have privacy.

The Empire State, a lonely dinosaur, rose sadly at midtown, highest tower, tallest mountain, longest road, King Kong's eyrie, meant to moor airships, alas.

It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.

I have become a pupil of the AA movement rather than the teacher.

Shoot, man, I love everybody! I don't have time to hate.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio in Phoenix arrested three people. As soon as he arrested those three people, everybody else immediate left.

The question is: Particularly in the post-9/11 era, are societies becoming more liberal or more authoritarian?

When good men die their goodness does not perish.

Trust Love, nor fear to soar upon his track. The wings that bore to Heaven will bear thee back.

I don't know if I ever really bought into the eternal damnation bit.