I was hurt so deep that I made up my mind never to hurt anybody else, no matter what. I never made jokes about anybody's big ears, their stut-terin', or about them bein' off their nut.

Be awfully nice to them going up, because you're gonna meet them all coming down.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Make someone happy, Make just one someone happy, And you will be happy, too.

Everybody wants to get into the act!

My nose isn't big. I just happen to have a very small head.

All of us have schnozzles... if not in our faces, then in our character, minds or habits. When we admit our schnozzles, instead of defending them, we begin to laugh, and the world laughs with us.

Everybody wants ta get inta da act!

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.

Don't put no constrictions on da people. Leave 'em ta hell alone.

What did Napolean do for relaxation? He read a book. What did Lincoln do for relaxation? He read a book. What does Congress do for relaxation? They book a red.

Why can't the ex-Chemist have a second chance? I get that we're kids and he's an adult, but you don't learn everything before you grow up. You learn until grass grows on your grave.

Wealth is to be created first, then to be shared. What to share if there is no wealth?

I have the feeling that in a balanced life one should die penniless. The trick is dismantling.

Good soldiers, bad officers; however don't forget that without them we would not have any Civilization.

Who kills a man kills a reasonable creature, God's image; but he who destroys a good book, kills reason itself, kills the image of God, as it were, in the eye.

I'm loath to use my personal life to promote what I do, but at the same time, I don't like a journalist going away with no more than you could get off Wikipedia, where most of it's invented anyway.

My favorite comedians were Jimmy Durante, George Burns, senior citizens.

Government should not tell you what to do unless there's a compelling public purpose.

The secret of karma yoga which is to perform actions without any fruitive desires is taught by Lord Krishna in the Bhagavad-Gita.

Nothing but heaven is impregnable to vice.