I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.

You're fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make him fear your shimmy! Now, goddamnit, show me your war shimmy!

Small towns are sometimes like that; familiarity runs high, while regard for personal space is low, if nonexistent.

I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.

My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed to kill anything.

Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.

Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.

Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.

I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.

I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories and run off at the mouth. I'm a big tangent person.

Bidden or unbidden, God is present.

Every time when somebody opens his heart to God, the big bang theory works.

When you see honey in the bush and there are no sign of bees, flee!! for its all but a trap

Gratitude is a duty which ought to be paid, but which none have a right to expect.

All the great naturalists have been habitual walkers, for no laboratory, no book, car, train or plane takes the place of honest footwork for this calling, be it amateur's or professional's.

We see a newborn moth unwrapping itself and announce, Look, children, a miracle! But let an irreversible wound be knit back to seamlessness? We won't even see it, though we look at it every day.

The most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me was when I was wearing a hair extension and it fell out on set.

I really don't want to portray the Islamists as simply evil, the way it's often done in the west.

In a mature society, 'civil servant' is semantically equal to 'civil master.'

You tolerate me. You really tolerate me!