I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Next to us is not the workman whom we have hired, with whom we love so well to talk, but the workman whose work we are.

Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was when I started.

So far as I can tell, most worthwhile pleasures on this earth slip between gratifying another and gratifying oneself. Some would call that an ethics.

The super power that I would choose would be compassion. Because that's what I think it takes to make it through life-an understanding, a give and take. It saves an awful lot of resentment.

The enemies of advertising are the enemies of freedom.

At least in my case, a very simple, regular, happy life makes for better writing.

If you want to get a deal, negotiate with the teams yourself. Say, "I want this much, and no less, but I'll show up to camp on time." It doesn't seem that hard to me.

The always-connected culture isn't as much a contributor as Grace might think. The nervous mind, the monkey mind, will create its own noise. It doesn't need a new toy.

On stage, generally speaking, the story is stopped or held back by songs, because that's the convention. Audiences enjoy the song and the singer, that's the point.

I couldn't stand it. I still can't stand it. I can't stand the way things are. I cannot tolerate this age.