I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

What a large volume of adventures may be grasped within the span of his little life by him who interests his heart in everything.

How do you stop conflict without conflict?

Organizing gods is like herding cats into straight lines. They don't take naturally to it.

No emergency excuses you from exercising tolerance.

Have you ever had a cookie? Then you won't get any here either.

If the government wants to stimulate the economy, it should outlaw gambling

I like the serendipitous surprises of reality.

Technology grows and so does loneliness.

I survived, carried on, glad to be like a weed, a wild red poppy, rooted in life.

I don't think of myself as making art. I do what I do because I want to, because painting is the best way I've found to get along with myself.