I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Heaven has appointed us dwellers on earth a time for all things.

One day I had nothing but my childhood to defend myself..........

If you spend any time with a man, you'll realize that we're all still little boys.

There is not one grain of anything in the world that is sold in the free market. Not one. The only place you see a free market is in the speeches of politicians.

By a divine paradox, wherever there is one slave there are two. So in the wonderful reciprocities of being, we can never reach the higher levels until all our fellows ascend with us.

Choose a challenge instead of competence

Warre and Physicke are governed by the eye.

You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink.

It's important to write a mystery novel where the takeaway is not a giveaway - where something could be read over and over.

I do have a delicate side.