I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

the truth is not supposed to free you from the truth, just from everything else

You can hide things from the world, but you can never hide things from time.

I can't be happy every day but I can be cheerful.

You totally need to watch the news." "Can't." "Why?" "It's too depressing." "Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.

I'm very pro-America, but I feel it necessary to keep in touch with Europe to maintain a perspective.

An asset allocation plan is based on your personal circumstances, goals, time-horizon, and need and willingness to take risk.

My first film crush was Mark Lester as Oliver Twist in the Carol Reed film.

I have two children. I have a Down syndrome child whom I love very much, and my wife that I love.

The nature of a democracy consists to an important degree in the right of the people to criticize problems and mistakes.

The world is full of resonances. It constitutes a cosmos of things exerting a spiritual action. The dead matter is a living spirit.