I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I am, " I saidTo no one thereAn no one heard at allNot even the chair"I am, " I cried"I am, " said IAnd I am lost, and I can't even say whyLeavin' me lonely still

When I first saw Emma Stone, it was like I woke up.

I have a real interest in pushing some of the limits of things that studios don't want to make.

You have to bounce in life with joy. Your strength lies in your smiles and your songs.

A woman friend! He that believes that weakness, Steers in a stormy night without a compass.

Marriage is wild. I thought it was this perfect land of happiness and joy. Wrong! After you say you do, you don't for a long time.

So much as one person with a contrary spirit to God is enough to affect all the meetings - that the revival fire did not flow until that person broke and confessed, or the Lord removed him.

Why does every black person in the movies have to play a servant? How about a black person walking up the steps of a courthouse carrying a briefcase?

Be an enzyme - a catalyst for change. As a slogan, I don't know if that's ever going to be right up there with Ich Bin Ein Berliner, or “I Have A Dream,” but there's a lot of truth to it.

The best thing about candy is that it can't be spoiled by the adult world. Candy is innocent.