I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

No one is polite to writers.

As the head of a religious party, I am not in favor of civil marriage or the full recognition of non-Orthodox converts in Israel.

There is something about the momentum of travel that makes you want to just keep moving, to never stop.

Read it aloud to yourself because that's the only way to be sure the rhythms of the sentences are OK.

I used to wear heels because I wanted to show people I wasn't ashamed of being tall.

You insisted on thinking of them as angels, even if they were fallen angels.

I've always said I'm a good horse but I'm still an underdog.

the supply of the milk of human kindness was short by several gallons

I don't believe any genre of music can be unilaterally dismissed (aside from like, white-power music or something).

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.