I really don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Make sure you wear something appropriate, dear. You never know who you’ll run into and it’s always smart to look your best.

Yet Conscience is a nobleman, the best in us, and a friend.

I cannot be assured ofexactly what I createdbe it madness and monsteror beauty and light.

The fear of Hell, or aiming to be blest, Savors too much of private interest. This moved not Moses, nor the zealous Paul, Who for their friends abandoned soul and all.

Let go of the anger, hang on to the good lessons.

Freedom and slavery, the one is the name of virtue, and the other of vice, and both are acts of the will.

What baffled him was that there should be all this fuss about something so simple as love.

Stacey: "I'm surprised you haven't thrown me out." Comfort: "At your current weight, I'd need some sort of catapult.

Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

As a citizen, you need to know how to be a part of it, how to express yourself - and not just by voting.