I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

But, like all happiness, it did not last long…

My name be Clark Davis", he hurried on, "an it peers to me thet you an' me be in need of one another".

A great chessplayer is not a great man, for he leaves the world as he found it.

If I had been a member of the academic establishment, I could have done other experiments.

Go for the gold: better one great column and some undistinguished ones than constant mediocrity.

I was born for a storm and a calm does not suit me.

The trouble with Germans is not that they fire shells, but that they engrave them with quotations from Kant.

Multimedia scares me off.

I'm Jerry Lawler, I make fun of women because I have no self-esteem.

They love us everywhere we go. So when in doubt, send the Marines.