I'm not trying to write a bleak and blistering screed against American civilization. I'm writing something that I hope is fun and satirical and full of possibility.

The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it.

Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business. My business.

You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!

People are not in a good mood when any politician's face appears on television.

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.

A Consultant is a guy who knows 125 different ways to make love, but who doesn't know any women.

Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.

If you call your opponent a politician, it's grounds for libel.

If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once.

The sacred exists only at the expense of the truth.

I've often heard it said, a preacherMight learn, with a comedian for a teacher.

I praise the Frenchman his remark was shrewd - "How sweet how passing sweet is solitude." But grant me still a friend in my retreat Whom I may whisper - Solitude is sweet.

Not only do I think being nice and kind is easy but being kind, in my opinion, is important.

I just did not discuss my personal life, my sexuality with the media. That was my policy.

My first professional job was actually at a place called Opryland USA, which no longer exists, but I've been performing since I was a kid.

I say that the power of vision extends through the visual rays to the surface of non-transparent bodies, while the power possessed by these bodies extends to the power of vision.

Why do so many people chose to spend their whole life destroying paths they didn't even want to follow, instead of following the one path that would lead them somewhere.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.

I've learned that the worst thing a parent can do is ignore their children