I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Any moment now, I thought, he was going to wake up. Any moment.

YOU are what you're allowing yourself to be!

The people who are successful are those who are grateful for everything they have.

It was time for me to spend more time with my wife. I'm not saying I do spend more time with my wife, because she would throw me out of the house, but we have breakfast together. I never did.

Burgundy was the winiest wine, the central, essential, and typical wine, the soul and greatest common measure of all the kindly wines of the earth.

I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you.

If we can't have comedy books written about aspects of womanhood without going into a panic attack about it, then we haven't got very far at being equal.

For our daughters and our granddaughters now, the sky is the limit.

That's the most important thing for me in TV, telling the story to as many people as we can.

Half the states have stopped making civics and government a requirement for high school. Half.