I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

We need to START buying our KIDS more ($00.50) BOOKS and less ($50.00) Video-Games

Words won’t have meaning until you put your emotions into them.

I think everyone should live in New York City if they ever get the chance at least once in their life. It's such a great place to live there's a different energy about living in the city.

Remorse is impotence; it will sin again. Only repentance is strong - it can end everything.

I was no assassin. I got out during the amnesty because I had not committed any violent crimes.

To be satisfied with what one has; that is wealth.

It makes me feel like working non-stop: at least, on sets, the level of security gives me a bit of privacy. It's a relief.

I'm not writing about things other women do. I'm writing for other women to have more self-confidence because I need it myself! And if more women were in power, I would feel more comfortable.

Christ did not die for the good and beautiful. It is easy enough to die for the good and beautiful; the hard thing is to die for the miserable and corrupt.

Too much to know is to know nought but fame; And every godfather can give a name.