I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

Success stories may be great motivational material for sales seminars, but we are not always successful.

Without delayed gratification, there is no persistence.

Myth: Bail-in plans would recapitalize big banks. Fact: big banks are far too insolvent to remotely be in a position for such restoration.

And so I think I got married because I thought that a ring would lock that love in forever, because it's very scary when it is just your feelings holding you together

With all that we hear of American hustle and hurry, it is rather strange that Americans seem to like to linger on longer words.

Revenge proves it's own executioner.

Life isn't a dress rehearsal

Man is man because he is free to operate within the framework of his destiny. He is free to deliberate, to make decisions, and to choose between alternatives.

"Tell me, doctor, " said the patient, "when I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet now?" "That's because your feet aren't empty," said the doctor.

Give thanks for all that shows up in your life including the stuff that you perceive to be negative, the things that you wish wouldn't have happened. Don't take anything forgranted.