I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

It's pretty cool to see how far music can take you.

It's interesting work for me to tell my life, as a possibility for other people to relate it to themselves - not so much to learn about me.

A country that does not know how to read and write is easy to deceive.

The art of living in a small town is one of the most difficult to acquire.

I never rode in an automobile until I was 12.

Well, beauty's in the eye of the beholder... It's all subjective. I'm kind of shy about it, but I'll take it.

People without curiosity are like houses without books: there's something unsettling about them.

The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around.

I hadn't gotten far when I ran into Mason. Good God. Men everywhere.

To rise at six, to dine at ten, To sup at six, to sleep at ten, Makes a man live for ten times ten.