I just don't get if you have ever gotten offended by a joke, why would you go to a comedy club? That's where jokes happen.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

We ought to love, encourage and support each other.

...I think that people who make judgements about other people they don't even know are shallow, and people who start rumors are shallow, and I really don't care what shallow people say about me.

I almost fainted. There was no family history. I had been eating a vegetarian diet and I exercised.

The republic I fell in love with, the republic I risked my life to defend, the values I hold dear, the integrity that we all share - these do not know prejudice and they do not accept partiality.

Yoga is bringing suppleness in body, calmness in mind, kindness in heart and awareness in life.

The infernal flag-waving after 9/11 nearly drove liberals out of their gourds. For the left, 'flag-waving' is an epithet.

Milton almost requires a solemn service of music to be played before you enter upon him. But he brings his music, to which who listen had need bring docile thoughts and purged ears.

Nothing is so contagious as example.

You can't trust folk songs. They always sneak up on you.

Reality is a cruel and unintuitive place with frustrating gameplay mechanics. (Press X to thanklessly toil your life away)