I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

we’re all a grab bag of good and eveil, and by and large can’t tell which is which

Real morality is based on a single criterion: right action, appropriate action, in the present moment and present situation.

Im the kind of guy, when the marriage is breaking up, who doesnt want to yell in front of the kids. So I left, but it was very hard.

When the voice and the vision on the inside is more profound, and more clear and loud than all opinions on the outside, you've begun to master your life.

The excuses we make to ourselves when we want to do something are excellent material for soliloquies, for they are rarely made except when we are alone, and are very often made aloud.

There’s no excuse…for women today not to own their own power and lead an unlimited life.

Research has shown over and over again that the more you acknowledge your past successes, the more confident you become in taking on and successfully accomplishing new ones.

In no order of things is adolescence the time of the simple life.

There's nothing like a great piece of theater - a great performance in a great piece of theater.

Leaders don't create followers, they create more leaders.