I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

The only difference between you and a dream is I haven’t woken up with you

I’ve lived what feels like a thousand years to feel your kiss but my little mate, I’m in charge.” He said huskily, an air of authority lacing his words.

Probably any successful career has "X" number of breaks in it and maybe the difference between successful people and those who aren't superachievers is taking advantage of those breaks.

If any form of government is capable of making a nation happy, ours I think bids fair now for producing that effect. But after all much depends upon the people who are governed.

You must flow with the will of God, in the service of God, to obtain the power of God.

whenever I would feel such happiness my guilt alarm went off

The first coffee of the morning is never, ever, ready quickly enough. You die before it’s ready and then your ghost pours the resurrection potion out of the moka pot.

You're as good as anybody.

The objective of false prophets and teachers of whatever stripe is...the influence and control of the minds of men.

I was spoiled when I worked in the magazine world. Fashion closets are heaven and I seem to model my organization after a fashion closet.