You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

After more than sixty years of almost daily reading of the Bible, I never fail to find it always new and marvelously in tune with the changing needs of every day.

At the moment I'm so exhausted that I feel like cutting my throat, so the next news masy well be that I am across the river and under the trees: what is the meaning and purpose of life? Death.

Our worth is determined by the good deed we do, rather than by the fine emotions we feel.

I don't know why someone else's marriage has anything to do with me.

The usefulness of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.

... safety that depends on an apron-string is very unsafe!

At present, however, I don't think the Net is a very good medium for books, books should really be inexpensive lightweight paperbacks you can bang around.

The biggest difference as far as Muslims in Europe and America are concerned is that the number of Muslims in America is small compared to the number in Europe.

Well for the drones of the social hive that there are bees of an industrious turn, willing, for an infinitesimal share of the honey, to undertake the labor of its fabrication.

Children have an uncanny memory for what parents say, but don't do.