As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

I am on a mission, I will depend on a greater power to accomplish the task.

One of the fastest ways to move through your pain is to get a grip on reality.

Songwriting is actually a really great outlet. I kind of recommend it. You get to sum up whatever is going on in your life in a song, then perform it really passionately.

A lifetime is not too long to spend in learning about the world.

Disgraces are like cherries, one drawes another. [Disgraces are like cherries, one draws another.]

Immortality is a chancy thing; it cannot be promised or earned. Perhaps it cannot even be identified for what it is.

That was the moment he got the idea he possessed me in a certain way, and that was the moment I grew tired of him.

I am extremely grateful. And that brings me back to reality on the days I am complaining about something.

The Democrats have to be stopped and that's going to be what ultimately brings us everybody back to sobriety here.

America is a mistake, admittedly a gigantic mistake, but a mistake nevertheless.