I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

The Lovely Knowing, your source of intuition and inspiration may not always be explainable, but it is always attainable!

It's not enough to be busy

A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage. Every day sends to their graves obscure men whose timidity prevented them from making a first effort.

I am God and my lawyers are my 12 disciples...do not f**k with me!

The other saxophones, except as solo instruments, really don't have much point in the orchestra

Any business or industry that pays equal rewards to its goof-off and its eager beavers sooner or later will find itself with more goof-offs than eager beavers.

Look and you wlll see, that which was can never be. When they seek a boy your age, Run, you flippin moron, run!

Each of you is perfect the way you are ... and you can use a little improvement.

There are no unresourceful people, only unresourceful states.