I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it's not even a challenge any more.

Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.

The world's No. 1 tennis player spends 90 percent of his time winning, while the world's No. 1 golfer spends 90 percent of his time losing. Golfers are great losers.

I was swinging like a toilet door on a prawn trawler.

I don't suffer from a mental illness, I live with it.

I have a healthy disrespect for religion. I really do. When Columbus came to this country in 1492 he brought syphilis, diphtheria, tuberculosis, influenza and Christianity. The diseases were curable.

It's hard to tell who's going to win this week, but it probably won't be a big, fat guy.

The course is so long, I had to take the curvature of the Earth into consideration.

Worst haircut I've ever seen in my life. And I've had a few bad ones. It looks like he (John Daly) has a divot over each ear.

If god wanted people to believe in him, why'd he invent logic then?

Never has my flabber been so completely gasted.

Don't try to reach perfection. Just try to reach an inner and outer realization of self.

Sometimes I'm so deeply buried under self-reproaches that I long for a word of comfort to help me dig myself out again.

Without dancing you can never attain a perfectly graceful carriage, which is of the highest importance in life.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Do not think of to-day's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow.

If you want more love in your life, you could not find a better gift to give yourself, a friend, or a lover.

When you bring the light into your dark house, that is when you see the cobwebs and spiders

Standardization does not produce although admirable as an efficiency method.

Never compare one person with another: comparisons are odious.

Every social injustice is not only cruel, but it is economic waste.