If god wanted people to believe in him, why'd he invent logic then?

Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.

I didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it's not even a challenge any more.

The world's No. 1 tennis player spends 90 percent of his time winning, while the world's No. 1 golfer spends 90 percent of his time losing. Golfers are great losers.

I was swinging like a toilet door on a prawn trawler.

I don't suffer from a mental illness, I live with it.

I have a healthy disrespect for religion. I really do. When Columbus came to this country in 1492 he brought syphilis, diphtheria, tuberculosis, influenza and Christianity. The diseases were curable.

It's hard to tell who's going to win this week, but it probably won't be a big, fat guy.

The course is so long, I had to take the curvature of the Earth into consideration.

Worst haircut I've ever seen in my life. And I've had a few bad ones. It looks like he (John Daly) has a divot over each ear.

Never has my flabber been so completely gasted.

To possess time is to possess life, don’t trivialize time.

Humor is the touchstone of the truly mythological as distinct from the more literal-minded and sentimental theological mood.

One of the signs of passing youth is the birth of a sense of fellowship with other human beings as we take our place among them.

Power is strength and the ability to see yourself through your own eyes and not through the eyes of another.

Directing is a really kind of amazing thing, because you're helping others and, in the middle of that, you have to worry about yourself.

If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you.

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes; when you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours. That's relativity.

Unfortunately, your reputation often rests not on your ability to do what you say, but rather on your ability to do what people expect.

You want to live the dream? You do what you want on your terms.

Errors like straws upon the surface flow, Who would search for pearls to be grateful for often must dive below.