I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Sometimes just when I say hello the right way, I'm like, 'Whoa, I'm so cool.'

When I tried to draw near, you dissolved into air before my lips could touch you...

When I got out of high school, I thought, I'll take a year or two off and play the clubs, get this out of my system, and then go to med school.

Of all mad faiths maddest is the faith that we can get rid of faith.

You work for whatever you get in life.

Seeds can produce seeds Seeds can produce formations. Formations can produce seeds. Formations can produce formations.

There are other people on the Internet. It's awesome. You get all the benefits of 'other people' without the body odor and the eye contact.

If you do please everyone, you are not making enough progress.

Wisdom is your perspective on life, your sense of balance, your understanding of how the various parts and principles apply and relate to each other.

Every one of my regrets has produced a song I'm proud of.