I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

All human behavior has a reason. All behavior is solving a problem.

He was in that stage of love–and of liquor–where one is completely taken up with oneself, and can get along very well without the other party.

I've learned, having been on a lot of sets, the good news is that by definition you are surrounded by experts. They get fired if they're not - unlike in the theatre!

You may tell a tale that takes up residence in someone's soul

Donald Trump would never belong to a church that required a ten percent hit. He's too smart.

God can change the lowest to the highest, abase the proud, and raise the humble.

How hollow must your life be for you to waste it hating and oppressing others, whose lives are of no consequence to your own?

Meekness is one of the brightest graces which can adorn the Christian character.

I came from a family where my people didn't like rhythm and blues. Bing Crosby - "Pennies from Heaven" - Ella Fitzgerald, was all I heard.

The president already has a Nobel Prize for peace. I think he's shooting for one in fiction.