I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

The difference between the right spouse and the wrong spouse is the difference between a soul mate and a cell mate.

Her self lagged behind her anger, like a mother picking up after a destructive child.

Loyalty is everything, but everything isn't loyal.

You can be the coldest rapper, but if you're not known, you're nobody.

If education tries to make other persons out of us than we essentially are, deeper inside, it stultifies, and reproach matters.

I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income.

I have the complete support of the military. I personally served in the navy.

In most of history, societies have not been free. It's a very rare society that is free. The default condition of human societies is tyranny.

Our task is to live our personal communion with Christ with such intensity as to make it contagious.

We can not underestimate the potential harm North Korea's capabilities can cause for the rest of the world.