Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

Even though human spirit always enjoys the peace, the human ego drives joy from war.

I have a strong urge to lie down and pretend this is not happening—like the old couple in Titanic.

You have to be constantly reinventing yourself and investing in the future.

In America, the system itself of democracy is being threatened.

I couldn't run for any office. I think that religion is bad, weed is good, and babies are disgusting; who would vote for me?

Man is a bad animal.

In my career, I've really wanted to sort of be a morpher and not show my own identity.

It's hard to argue against cynics - they always sound smarter than optimists because they have so much evidence on their side.

The Syrian army is tired of corruption. It is tired of party nepotism. It is becoming very angry with those it blames for the war.

If you have never felt your soul poured out before the Lord with a consequent exhaustion, it is doubtful whether you have advanced far in the school of prayer.