How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.

I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.

Love Goddess in training. It could happen.

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

My work is a mitzvah for the eyes & ears...and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change!

I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.

I have more respect for a man who lets me know where he stands, even if he's wrong. Than the one who comes up like an angel and is nothing but a devil.

If we do not restore the Institution of Property we cannot escape restoring the Institution of Slavery

...You know what I mean?

If your riches are yours, why don't you take them with you to the other world?

A man does not show his greatness by being at one extremity, but rather by touching both at once.

I had a wonderful teacher about animal behavior - my dog Rusty. He taught me that animals have personalities, minds, and feelings.

Make sure that you always follow your heart and your gut, and let yourself be who you want to be, and who you know you are. And don't let anyone steal your joy.

It is funny how you do not miss affection until it is given, but once it is, it can never be enough; you would drown in it if possible.

The more competitive value of the dollar turned around the trade deficit.

If you are going to make a book end badly, it must end badly from the beginning.