My work is a mitzvah for the eyes & ears...and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change!

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.

I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.

Love Goddess in training. It could happen.

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.

There is no society in human history that ever suffered because its people became too reasonable.

The one thing I regret is that I will never have time to read all the books I want to read.

I told a lie the other day. I said that I'd caught a 'bunch' of trout. What I should have said is that I caught a little trout that I named Bunch. There, I?ve confessed and now I feel much better.

I think I was obsessed with the culture of riding. I got sick of having to date guys who rode motorcycles for me to be on them.

The human heart is not yet so corroded that it can read off the extinction of these two men without a shock to the very roots of its belief in justice and humanity.

So go ahead. Fall down. The world looks different from the ground.

In any age, our problems are a result of sin, and the solution is faith and obedience.

Integrating the mind is the essence of life. Decide you will always say and do only what you feel is right. Then, you will come to tremendous clarity and conviction in the inner and outer worlds.

People of difference are always held to different standards.

Meat eaten without either mirth or music is ill of digestion.