I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.

I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.

Love Goddess in training. It could happen.

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

My work is a mitzvah for the eyes & ears...and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change!

I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.

For one person who dreams of making fifty thousand pounds, a hundred people dream of being left fifty thousand pounds.

Are you living everyday so that even if the end were to come you’d have to regrets?

Success is so fleeting, even if you get a good book deal or your book is a huge success, there's always the fear: What about the next one?

There are secrets in all families.

Sherlock and Watson are a love story

Whoever dies will be rewarded by heaven.

You shone like a star. The funniest, wisest writer & the finest friend

Do you have any coffee? (Talon) Ew! No, that stuff will kill you. I have herbal teas, though. (Sunshine) Herbal teas? That’s mulch, not a beverage. (Talon)

I don't want any dog to be put down.

You've got to do something, even if it's just to kick-start the day. I use music. And running.