How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Security comes from Trust.Trust comes from Faith.Faith comes when you eliminate all fear.Ease comes when you are fearless.

justice is not only the way we punish those who do wrong. It is also the way we try to save them.

You might think that you're ruined. You might think you're defeated. If you love what you're doing you've already succeeded.

Be yourself around a world of clones.

To me a lush carpet of pine needles or spongy grass is more welcome than the most luxurious Persian rug.

Happier are the hands compast with yron, then a heart with thoughts.

The average American worker enjoys amenities for which Croesus, Crassus, the Medici, and Louis XIV would have envied him.

Tell them I've had a wonderful life.

Hold up." Leo stepped forward, wagging his Wii controller. "Did you just call my a ship a monstrosity? I KNOW you didn't that.

Lipitor is one of the most researched medicines. I'm glad I take Lipitor, as a doctor, and a dad.