How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

We need you to come home.

Golf and dating don't mix.

Educational success should be measured by how strong your desire is to keep learning.

The arithmetical machine produces effects that approach nearer to thought than all the actions of animals. But it does nothing that would enable us to attribute will to it, as to the animals.

If a man is not good, what has he to do with the rules of propriety? If he is not good, what has he to do with music?

I have never seen a bad television program, because I refuse to. God gave me a mind, and a wrist that turns things off.

Accursed is that peace of which revolt from God is the bond, and blessed are those contentions by which it is necessary to maintain the kingdom of Christ.

My mama didn't see it comin, my daddy was there. What's my excuse? Cartoons were the root. Started with Yosemite Sam With the gun in the palm of the hand, What couldn't I demand?

You can't say the public likes generic characters. Give others a chance, go for a more rooted and honest characterisation, take some risk, and then let the public choose.

I want to write an essay called "Fear of Mexico," because I always feel like Mexico's this lover that never writes to me.