...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Milk is the only juice in a world of cows.

What does so-called success or failure matter if only you have succeeded in doing the thing you set out to do. The doing is all that really counts.

Poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers.

A man is not completely born until he is dead. Why then should we grieve that a new child is born among the immortals, a new member added to their happy society?

[Donald Trump] even said, well, you know, if there were nuclear war in East Asia, well, you know, that's fine have a good time, folks.

I didn't start working on children's books until I got a job at a book warehouse on the children's floor. When I started reading some of the books, I was so impressed.

People fear witches, and burn women.

One time, Niall sat on the floor for hours trying to find a way of putting his M&M's in alphabetical order.

Never underestimate the power of helplessness!

The key factor in my strategy is longevity.