Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference. I still didn't know the difference.

Peace is always kind.

Einstein says common sense is just habit of thought. It's how we're used to thinking about things, but a lot of the time it just gets in the way.' 'In the way of what?' 'In the way of what's true.

I don't mind the high price of stardom. I just don't like the high price of mediocrity.

Spiritual energy brings compassion into the world.

His love at once and dread instruct our thought; As man He suffer'd and as God He taught.

Anything that comes out of the South is going to be called grotesque by the northern reader, unless it is grotesque, in which case it is going to be called realistic.

Meaning does not interest me and has almost nothing to do with my decisions or judgments.

It was all so clear now. Like everything had been lost in darkness, and then the sun came out. Some moments are like that.

The point of advertising is to destroy markets.