Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

The one who truly sacrifices the most is usually the one who talks about it the least

There's really no point in letting failure get the best of you. Better to just let it go and move on.

The way you think either expresses or undermines faith.

It doesn't matter whether you're talking about bombs or the intelligence quotients of one race as against another if a man is a scientist, like me, he'll always say Publish and be damned.

It follows the seasons, beginning each year with the fond expectancy of springtime and ending with the hard facts of autumn.

Good advertising is a dialog with people.

In society, one doesn't tell the truth, one tells the exact opposite.

Once you buy a prize, it's yours to keep.

Darkroom work had, after all, never interested me except as a means to an end; the place I wanted to be was outside in the light.

No evil is honorable: but death is honorable; therefore death is not evil.