Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Change isn't easy. Changing the way you live means changing the way you think, means changing what you believe about life. That's hard.

She was born of space. And starlight. But she bled wrath. And vengeance.."[From Current Work In Progress]

My nerves came back in full force. I'd thrown myself in the deep end, and, feeling like I had no idea how to swim, I had to get back to shore somehow. "I'm sorry, " I whispered.

Practice is a talent. Perseverance is a talent. Hard work is a talent.

Educational reforms are like ripe fruit. They rarely travel well.

Eventually, even a blind squirell will find an acorn.

To lose hope in the future is to begin to die.

Fear is the most valuable commodity in the universe.

I wouldn’t be without my regular schedule of chiropractic adjustments because of my very strenuous schedule.

Someone said to me, "Hey, what's it like kissing Marilyn Monroe?" I said, "It's like kissing Hitler. What are you doing asking me such a stupid question?"