From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

The man spends half of his life trying, and the other half is preventing.

There are a few people who are, let's say, personality-challenged, who would like to set up a cult, but in large part they fail due to the innate stroppiness and independence of their fellow pagans.

I think first impressions are important when you pick up a script.

There is a source of power in each of us that we don't realize until we take responsibility.

I don't think that what's going on in Bosnia is political activity. It's partly political, but it's partly atavistic as well.

It was not an end, it was a beginging

Superman when he goes after someone is essentially not trying to beat them, he is trying to save them from themselves... You're looking at a God who walks amongst men!

A commencement is a time of joy. It is also a time of melancholy. But then again, so is life.

They've been taught by too many that this war was necessary when it isn't.

If you take temptations into account, who is to say that he is better than his neighbor?