My other car is a vehicle with a bumper sticker describing this car.

It's never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes

Rappers shouldn't have to file taxes because they itemize everything they own in songs.

No one's dream job involves a kiosk.

Paul Ryan looks like the car rental salesman who bullies you into getting full coverage.

Before taking the stage, Paul Ryan spent 6 hours staring into a mirror working on 'concerned eyebrow.'

My life is now a constant assessment of whether what's happening in real life is more entertaining than what's happening on my phone.

Forget the Bible, the greatest argument against human evolution is a YouTube comment thread.

Between history and the eternal I have chosen history because I like certainties. Of it, at least, I am certain, and how can I deny this force crushing me.

Stand up and take your dissonance like a man.

Samadhi is perfect absorption to the point where there is no sense of being absorbed, not the consciousness of knowing that you are having an experience.

Once you start a war, you have to win.

There's nothing worse than someone coming up to me and going Oh God, I really love your hair.

We're working with NATO, the longest military alliance in the history of the world, to really turn our attention to terrorism.

I didn't realise those spaces were for the emotionally handicapped.

Marriage is wild. I thought it was this perfect land of happiness and joy. Wrong! After you say you do, you don't for a long time.

You're constantly guided by the last thing you made.

The right to work, I had assumed, was the most precious liberty that man possesses. Man has indeed as much right to work as he has to live, to be free, to own property.