For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

There is no happily-ever-after to run to. We have to work for happiness.

(...) pick up your axe, start at the rootsdon't miss the trunk, never forget:to end life truly and finallystart at the roots or end there.

He who receives a great many letters demanding answer, sees himself as if engaged in a hopeless struggle of one man against the rest of the world.

With all its faults, the American political system is the freest and most democratic in the world.

What odds does it make to the man who lives within Nature's bounds, whether he ploughs a hundred acres or a thousand?

It is a racking thing to have a plague of ideas and no chance to get rid of them on paper. I've nearly gone mad at times.

I hadn't the heart to touch my breakfast. I told Jeeves to drink it himself.

If you can't write well then your ambition to become famous in this way will be frustrated. Either that or you have to get an amanuensis who will write for you.

You can work hard, do everything that you think is right, but one thing you'll never overcome in life is fate. You can't control fate.

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.