Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

But how conceive a God supremely good/ Who heaps his favours on the sons he loves, / Yet scatters evil with as large a hand?[Written after an earthquake in Lisbon killed over 15, 000 people]

No trauma has discrete edges. Trauma bleeds. Out of wounds and across boundaries.

The familiar is by far the most beautiful.

There is no room for legal hair-splitting when it comes to the humane treatment of detainees - not in a nation founded on the rule of law and respect for human rights.

To be sure of winning, invent your own game, and never tell any other player the rules.

I have a daughter and two grand-daughters and a great grandson in Africa, in Cape Town.

Biology has at least 50 more interesting years.

One of the toughest guys in the world is Randy Couture - he is the true epitome of what a tough guy is.

Mission is 'the mother of theology'.

We, the comics that we like, we're all, like, post-humor.