Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

What do we feel when we look at a good photograph? We just want to be there, right at the exact moment that photo taken!

One secret of life is that the reason life works at all is that not everyone in your tribe is nuts on the same day. Another secret is that laughter is carbonated holiness.

We have to acknowledge the progress we made, but understand that we still have a long way to go. That things are better, but still not good enough.

You fell in love with me?

Getting that first draft out is a horribly hard grind, but that (perversely) is where the joy of it lies.

The neurotic listens to weather reports about Small Craft Warnings, and he thinks: They're talking about me.

We cannot road trip to Paris.

Annabeth's face, her blond hair and gray eyes, the way she laughed, threw her arms around him, and gave him a kiss whenever he did something stupid. She must have kissed me a lot, Percy thought.

In YC's case, the number one cause of early death for startups is cofounder blowups.

He holds him with his glittering eye, And listens like a three years' child.