Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

The world is your perception of it. Inside and outside always match - they're reflections of each other. The world is a mirror image of your mind.

You can never explain it. At its best, you can only feel love and beauty.

We are doing ourselves no favors when we look to the crowd to tell us where we are.

Being pregnant and having a toddler, as every parent says, is amazing. You're very tired, but it's so wonderful. God, it's emotional, but it's the best. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

There is something human about the way people react to and identify with suffering. There's a lot more empathy in the world than we perhaps realize.

Hope, and hopelessness, persist despite the facts.

But, all this while, I was giving myself very unnecessary alarm. Providence had mediated better things for me than I could possibly imagine for myself.

The new spirituality will bring about what I'm calling the 'end of better.' And that is in fact what is called for in the next of the series of books that I've been writing.

The school curriculum today, particularly American history, is a shame.

Two rules: 1. Preserve the principal 2. When in doubt, see Rule #1.