Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

Funny is an attitude.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Your smile breaks my heart, And your laughter burns my skin, And if I had to tell you how I feel, That's where I'd begin.

The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read

When confronted with challenge, I discover my inner strength.

Death is meaningless unless it happens to someone you know.

The truth is, hardly any of us have ethical energy enough for more than one really inflexible point of honor.

I have found it to be the most serious objection to coarse labors long continued, that they compelled me to eat and drink coarsely also.

The American people are tired of liars and people who pretend to be something they're not.

I've got an efficiency and a guerrilla approach ... plus a unique synergy where everything I do helps everything else because it's overlapping.

Three things have been difficult to tame: the oceans, fools and women. We may soon be able to tame the oceans; fools and women will take a little longer.

If you make a habit of doing nothing, you have already earned your reward.