My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

Funny is an attitude.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

In the beginning there was nothing, and then god created "me".

Marriage has historically, as long as there's been human history, meant a man and a woman in a relationship for life. Once we change that definition, then where does it go from there?

I get paid a lot of money to play a game with the greatest players in the world. What could be better than that?

The media works in sound bites. They can make you look like a genius or stupid.

My family are amazing. I had like, the perfect upbringing. It sucks for people like Lindsey [Lohan], but it's not her fault she's so off the rails.

The future is a world limited by ourselves; in it we discover only what concerns us and, sometimes, by chance, what interests those whom we love the most.

By studying the masters and not their pupils.

The fabled musk deer searches the world over for the source of the scent which comes from itself.

They're my positive chaos, my children.

Learning, like money, may be of so base a coin as to be utterly void of use.