Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I was one of the founding members of State Legislators for Legal Immigration.

Comfort becomes a goal when distinctions of rank are abolished and privileges destroyed.

The "flow of information" through human communication channels is enormous. So far no theory exists, to our knowledge, which attributes any sort of unambiguous measure to this "flow".

The true battlefield is within.

Base stealing for me is another sport all by itself. It's a game within a game. I'm the mouse and the cats are trying to trap me.

I'm glad I got a record contract, because all of a sudden everything you were doing before that made you a stupid person now makes you a smart person.

A war with Pakistan would be an utter disaster.

I grew up in the Deep South, where sexism, racism, and homophobia were and still are alive and well. I have early, early memories of words and actions of this type being very painful.

Our theories are the weakest part of what we say. What we're working from is the fact of an experience which we need to make sense of.

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love. It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.