Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

You have to go through the fires to be tested by faith.

I cared her, I adored her, I loved her a lot, But in the End it didn't matter at all..!!

In the back of his mind, he had always wondered why — why they harbored such resentment for him. Now he had the answer, and he felt sick. He felt the bottom dropping out.

The young, in their innocence, are often wise and capable of teaching the old.

Taxes, after all, are dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society.

A companion's words of persuasion are effective.

While "cute" is hopelessly anchored to the Teletubby ideal, "ugly" is free to take infinite varieties. In this way, ugly is beautiful.

Donald Trump is sort of the first candidate of his type that non-politician, true outsider, was coming to shake up the system.

Love is the reality, and poetry is the drum.

The library is our house of intellect, our transcendental university, with one exception: no one graduates from a library. No one possibly can, and no one should.