Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Chose the person who respects you rather than the one who loves you. Cuz Love depends on the other person. Respect depend on how you act.

In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes when you awake in the morning.

Almost always it is the fear of being ourselves that brings us to the mirror.

My daughter's 19. I'm not asking her to develop as an artist. I'm just asking her to develop as a full person, human being.

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

Your devotion is nothing more than cowardice. You would not be here if you had anywhere else to go.

Flattery is the infantry of negotiation.

Of immortality, the soul, when well employed, is incurious. It is so well, that it is sure that it will be well. It asks no questions of the Supreme Power.

It is a sin directly against one's neighbour, since one man cannot over-abound in external riches, without another man lacking them.

I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills When all at once I saw a crowd A host of golden daffodils Beside the lake beneath the trees Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.