Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance.

I tell the stories that are of interest to me.

Rule 1, on page 1 of the book of war, is: 'Do not march on Moscow'... Rule 2 is: Do not go fighting with your land armies in China.

Sun is shining. Weather is sweet. Make you wanna move your dancing feet.

It is as easy to create a castle as a button. It's just a matter of whether you're focused on a castle or a button.

Don't hold on to religion and miss the joy of knowing Jesus.

You are the vanguard of knowledge and consciousness; a new wave in a vast ocean of possibilities.

Learning how to die is therefore learning how to live.

How wide and sweet and wild motherhood and sisterhood can be.

I've never understood how God could expect His creatures to pick the one true religion by faith-it strikes me as a sloppy way to run a universe.